"But in the town it was well known
When they got home at night, their fat,
Psychopathic wives would thrash them
Within inches of their lives"
Unfortunately, with the passage of time, it seems that these psychopathic wives have finally learned how to fill job application forms. These wives that once turned to their husbands, who served as asshole teachers in asshole education institutes, to get some peace of mind through some good ol' punching now go to students for exactly that. The librarian we are about to talk about is one of them. So, welcome boys and girls! Grab yourself a comfortable chair as we probe into the enigma of territories better left unexplored. A realm you've never been to before, where reality ceases to exist. Located at the bottom of wit and at the peak of irrationality; welcome to The Chronicles of a Troll. Not the Twilight Zone, that show ended ages ago.
Our story takes place in a dimly lit room, a room the school likes to refer to as the library. Though, anyone in their right mind would think twice before calling it that, fact remains, there were books, kids who'd never read them and a librarian.
Sitting among his circle of friends, our anti-hero rummages through the pages of a Prospectus, paying attention to and admiring only the mustaches and other facial hair drawn on various pompous fucks. What our anti-hero, lets call him Schmuck because quite frankly it's easier to pronounce than his real name and less misleading, doesn't know is that soon he is to become a part of The Chronicles of a Troll.
As he is enjoying his read, the librarian suddenly rushes in from her office with a face that would make Cthulhu look like something out of a Walt Disney movie. She looks around like the rabid wolf she certainly can be and sniffs fear, along with the remains of the sandwich she left back in her office, waiting there to be ingested by this mighty monstrosity. Spotting a couple of boys playing a good game of Poker, she moves over to them and demands that they hand the cards over. Being the naive fucks that they were, one of the kids decides to shove them down his pants, not realizing that tighty-whities and playing cards only lead to one thing: paper-cuts in embarrassing places.
Knowing not what to do, she looks over to the male teachers present in the room. Before she can ask them for their assistance, they leave, trying to conceal their erections the thought of the task had sprouted. She exhales in despair as the male teachers close the door behind them with their stack of books conveniently placed in front of their groins.
The librarian stands defeated. She must hurry now. Do something quick. It's just her and the pack of these untamed animals the school had somehow mistaken for children. It is not the gradual loss of power that prompts her into the need for a quick decision, but it is the half eaten sandwich she longs for. The same sandwich she made with copious amounts of love. If this were a Disney movie, at the end of this story, the half-eaten sandwich would have turned into a little mutilated boy. Though, seeing how fat she is, there is no doubt that she would have eaten him.
She must do something quick. Her mind fails to provide her a solution. She does what every man and woman does when they don't see another way out. She bitches about the situation.
"The old batch was full of such fine [ I'm sure her pedophile-tendencies wanted her to say sexy here] young lads! They never caused me any trouble at all. They always took care of me," shouted the librarian as if the children were actually giving a fuck. "But you know what? Why should I care about you people if it's not mutual! I swear, I will lock the doors to this place and there is no power, no such thing that'll be able to open the locks!"
That's when the answer hit Schmuck. He knew the answer to her riddle. Without hesitation, without a moment's pause, he said out loud, "Isn't that what keys are for?"
The librarian didn't say a word. Her bemused and now-wide-open eyes assured Schmuck that she had realized two things: a) if she changes from Wonder-Bread to brown-bread, she might actually lose a pound or two and b) Keys - they open motherfucking locks.
Our story takes place in a dimly lit room, a room the school likes to refer to as the library. Though, anyone in their right mind would think twice before calling it that, fact remains, there were books, kids who'd never read them and a librarian.
Sitting among his circle of friends, our anti-hero rummages through the pages of a Prospectus, paying attention to and admiring only the mustaches and other facial hair drawn on various pompous fucks. What our anti-hero, lets call him Schmuck because quite frankly it's easier to pronounce than his real name and less misleading, doesn't know is that soon he is to become a part of The Chronicles of a Troll.
As he is enjoying his read, the librarian suddenly rushes in from her office with a face that would make Cthulhu look like something out of a Walt Disney movie. She looks around like the rabid wolf she certainly can be and sniffs fear, along with the remains of the sandwich she left back in her office, waiting there to be ingested by this mighty monstrosity. Spotting a couple of boys playing a good game of Poker, she moves over to them and demands that they hand the cards over. Being the naive fucks that they were, one of the kids decides to shove them down his pants, not realizing that tighty-whities and playing cards only lead to one thing: paper-cuts in embarrassing places.
Knowing not what to do, she looks over to the male teachers present in the room. Before she can ask them for their assistance, they leave, trying to conceal their erections the thought of the task had sprouted. She exhales in despair as the male teachers close the door behind them with their stack of books conveniently placed in front of their groins.
The librarian stands defeated. She must hurry now. Do something quick. It's just her and the pack of these untamed animals the school had somehow mistaken for children. It is not the gradual loss of power that prompts her into the need for a quick decision, but it is the half eaten sandwich she longs for. The same sandwich she made with copious amounts of love. If this were a Disney movie, at the end of this story, the half-eaten sandwich would have turned into a little mutilated boy. Though, seeing how fat she is, there is no doubt that she would have eaten him.
She must do something quick. Her mind fails to provide her a solution. She does what every man and woman does when they don't see another way out. She bitches about the situation.
"The old batch was full of such fine [ I'm sure her pedophile-tendencies wanted her to say sexy here] young lads! They never caused me any trouble at all. They always took care of me," shouted the librarian as if the children were actually giving a fuck. "But you know what? Why should I care about you people if it's not mutual! I swear, I will lock the doors to this place and there is no power, no such thing that'll be able to open the locks!"
That's when the answer hit Schmuck. He knew the answer to her riddle. Without hesitation, without a moment's pause, he said out loud, "Isn't that what keys are for?"
The librarian didn't say a word. Her bemused and now-wide-open eyes assured Schmuck that she had realized two things: a) if she changes from Wonder-Bread to brown-bread, she might actually lose a pound or two and b) Keys - they open motherfucking locks.
